I can't fake it anymore.
I'm such a hypocrite that the rotten stench of my hypocrisy gags even me.
The baby's doing great-- fat and growing like a weed. Brown hair, who'da thunk it.
The other kids are fine.
I spent last week in a mental hospital, detoxing from my alcoholism and drug addictions and getting medication for my bipolar disorder, which was way out of whack.
There's a lot of the past few weeks that I don't remember, simply because when I'm manic, I do a LOT of drinking and drugs and other horrible things (affairs, dangerous driving, spending huge wads of cash on stupid things, etc.) It wasn't till I actually had the barrel of hubby's .357 in my mouth, though, that I realized I was too out of control to guarantee that I'd live through the week.
15% of us bipolars end up successfully killing ourselves. About half of us try it at least once.
I'm real medicated right now, to keep the mania in check, but it's just making me depressed instead. Plus I'm in danger of losing my nursing license unless I get into some outpatient treatment program, so it's just a lot of hassle and crap I don't want to deal with right now. So I'm signing off on this blog. It's not . . I dunno. It's not indicative of a good Catholic family? Not when the mom is crazy as hell and everythings falling to pieces around us.
Peace out.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Oy vey
Well, things are just too chaotic here to even describe, much less to blog about with any regularity. The baby takes up all my time, my milk supply just suddenly died yesterday, leaving me producing maybe two ounces per pumping session, and the other kids are running as wild as the garden and the chickens.
I'm trying to get a handle on things. The kids are all healthy, schools almost out . . we'll see.
I'm trying to get a handle on things. The kids are all healthy, schools almost out . . we'll see.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The reason
Our newest son was born last Wednesday, the 29th of April.
He was 7 lbs, 9 oz. 19 inches tall. A head full of an indeterminate colored hair-- maybe brown, maybe blonde, maybe red. Not really one or the other. A hugely impressive nose.
He was fine for the first twenty hours or so after birth.
Then his breathing rate went up into the 60s. Then the 70s. Then he had periods where he was breathing ninety breaths per minute. And he started getting feverish.
And so we went from anticipating coming home on Friday to a panicked state where he was whisked off to the NICU to be put on monitors and given IV antibiotics and tube fed and poked and prodded and x-rayed and examined.
He had a broken clavicle, and elevated white blood cells, and he was a very sick little boy.
By the grace of God, he gets to come home tomorrow, back at his birth weight, off the IVs, eyes open and eating well on his own.
Thank you, Jesus.
He was 7 lbs, 9 oz. 19 inches tall. A head full of an indeterminate colored hair-- maybe brown, maybe blonde, maybe red. Not really one or the other. A hugely impressive nose.
He was fine for the first twenty hours or so after birth.
Then his breathing rate went up into the 60s. Then the 70s. Then he had periods where he was breathing ninety breaths per minute. And he started getting feverish.
And so we went from anticipating coming home on Friday to a panicked state where he was whisked off to the NICU to be put on monitors and given IV antibiotics and tube fed and poked and prodded and x-rayed and examined.
He had a broken clavicle, and elevated white blood cells, and he was a very sick little boy.
By the grace of God, he gets to come home tomorrow, back at his birth weight, off the IVs, eyes open and eating well on his own.
Thank you, Jesus.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Update in brief
Well, I'm basically in a holding pattern, lots of bedrest. Blood pressure is real high, so we're going to probably induce in two weeks. We did decide on a name for the baby, finally, which has been a great relief.
He's more real, now, with a name.
Been taking lots of cough syrup for pain and ongoing congestion/coughing. Hopefully the baby won't be addicted when he's born. Not much I can do, though, I need it.
Circulation and kidneys aren't so great, so it's time for me to go grab some more sleep.
God bless.
He's more real, now, with a name.
Been taking lots of cough syrup for pain and ongoing congestion/coughing. Hopefully the baby won't be addicted when he's born. Not much I can do, though, I need it.
Circulation and kidneys aren't so great, so it's time for me to go grab some more sleep.
God bless.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Egads
March has flown by. It's been miserable.
We moved. Still had to leave a ton of stuff behind, to be brought later. Simply ran out of room in the truck and trailer.
Bought a new washer and dryer, a new fridge. A tiller, weed whacker, stuff for our garden. New bed for Cara. New towels and bathroom rugs for all the bathrooms. Spent a ton of money. No one can say we didn't stimulate the economy this month.
We have a half dozen illegal chickens in the downstairs bathtub, growing up under hot lights. Ireland and Wales love them, take every opportunity to go play with them. They grow up so fast! They're Black Australorps and Americaunas, 3 and 3. When the weather warms up a bit, I'll let the boys take them out back to play in the sunshine. They're more pets than anything, but if they do survive to lay eggs (and we don't get busted for them), they should start laying eggs in July.
I've been very sick, coughing so hard that I hurt my back, then my pain made my insomnia miserable. Went to the doctor on Monday, got some good codiene based cough syrup. I haven't been coughing, but I have been sleeping a lot. It's wonderful.
Wales has a sinus/nasal infection, for which he's on antibiotics.
I have my second OB appointment with the local doc tomorrow. We're looking at an induction date around the 28th of April, given my history of huge babies and shoulder dystocia. I'm definitely ready to get this baby out. Hugely pregnant, tired, and hurting. Yes, definitely will be better to have him out than in.
We still haven't decided on a name. We have a middle name, a saint's name and family name, but no first name.
Poor kid.
Anyway. Surviving. Thats about all I can do.
We moved. Still had to leave a ton of stuff behind, to be brought later. Simply ran out of room in the truck and trailer.
Bought a new washer and dryer, a new fridge. A tiller, weed whacker, stuff for our garden. New bed for Cara. New towels and bathroom rugs for all the bathrooms. Spent a ton of money. No one can say we didn't stimulate the economy this month.
We have a half dozen illegal chickens in the downstairs bathtub, growing up under hot lights. Ireland and Wales love them, take every opportunity to go play with them. They grow up so fast! They're Black Australorps and Americaunas, 3 and 3. When the weather warms up a bit, I'll let the boys take them out back to play in the sunshine. They're more pets than anything, but if they do survive to lay eggs (and we don't get busted for them), they should start laying eggs in July.
I've been very sick, coughing so hard that I hurt my back, then my pain made my insomnia miserable. Went to the doctor on Monday, got some good codiene based cough syrup. I haven't been coughing, but I have been sleeping a lot. It's wonderful.
Wales has a sinus/nasal infection, for which he's on antibiotics.
I have my second OB appointment with the local doc tomorrow. We're looking at an induction date around the 28th of April, given my history of huge babies and shoulder dystocia. I'm definitely ready to get this baby out. Hugely pregnant, tired, and hurting. Yes, definitely will be better to have him out than in.
We still haven't decided on a name. We have a middle name, a saint's name and family name, but no first name.
Poor kid.
Anyway. Surviving. Thats about all I can do.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
... What you need
Moving, for the first time, has given me perspective.
It's not a frantic race, this time, since we've packed so much ahead of time. We've whittled our possessions down to the bare minimum, stuffed every nonessential item into a box and taped it up, and the shelves and dressers and drawers are all bare.
What a relief . . . what a wonderful thing.
The absence of clutter is so peaceful. Nothing for Mia to shove into closets or drawers. No toys mounded in corners. No knick-knacks being moved into odd places. Just bare shelves and quiet.
We can really live with so little. We have our in-season clothes that we're still wearing. The medicines and makeups and lotions that we use and keep handy for emergencies. The food we're eating. Minimal dishes. Half a dozen books. A small box of toys for Wales. The computers are all still hooked up. The television, but only one game console. A dozen dvds and games. That's about it.
And no one really misses anything that's packed. Which makes me wonder why we are bothering to drag it all halfway across the country.
Yes, I love my books and my Pfaltzgraff dishes and the knick-knacks I've collected over the years. But I don't NEED any of them. I could walk away tomorrow and still be whole, still be me. I'd just be free of the clutter.
I'm thinking that we might not unpack everything right away when we get home. I can't imagine re-cluttering the house. There are things I want to buy, yes. BIG pictures for the walls, real art prints in vibrant colors. But those aren't clutter, really, they just hang on the walls. A rug for the floor. A new chair. Big things, objects in and of themselves, not more things to pile on a shelf or cram into a cabinet.
Sleek, spartan, and spare. That's my new motto for home decoration. But colorful. And comfortable. And . . . still mine. Still with some of the things I've collected. Just . . . not so much. And not all at once. A bookshelf doesn't have to be crammed tight with books, after all. It can have empty spaces, here and there.
.
.
It's not a frantic race, this time, since we've packed so much ahead of time. We've whittled our possessions down to the bare minimum, stuffed every nonessential item into a box and taped it up, and the shelves and dressers and drawers are all bare.
What a relief . . . what a wonderful thing.
The absence of clutter is so peaceful. Nothing for Mia to shove into closets or drawers. No toys mounded in corners. No knick-knacks being moved into odd places. Just bare shelves and quiet.
We can really live with so little. We have our in-season clothes that we're still wearing. The medicines and makeups and lotions that we use and keep handy for emergencies. The food we're eating. Minimal dishes. Half a dozen books. A small box of toys for Wales. The computers are all still hooked up. The television, but only one game console. A dozen dvds and games. That's about it.
And no one really misses anything that's packed. Which makes me wonder why we are bothering to drag it all halfway across the country.
Yes, I love my books and my Pfaltzgraff dishes and the knick-knacks I've collected over the years. But I don't NEED any of them. I could walk away tomorrow and still be whole, still be me. I'd just be free of the clutter.
I'm thinking that we might not unpack everything right away when we get home. I can't imagine re-cluttering the house. There are things I want to buy, yes. BIG pictures for the walls, real art prints in vibrant colors. But those aren't clutter, really, they just hang on the walls. A rug for the floor. A new chair. Big things, objects in and of themselves, not more things to pile on a shelf or cram into a cabinet.
Sleek, spartan, and spare. That's my new motto for home decoration. But colorful. And comfortable. And . . . still mine. Still with some of the things I've collected. Just . . . not so much. And not all at once. A bookshelf doesn't have to be crammed tight with books, after all. It can have empty spaces, here and there.
.
.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Baby stuff, moving stuff, stuff stuff
Well, according to the machines, Scotland the baby-on-the-way is about 3.3 pounds now. As well, his little heart seems to be working just fine. And, yes, it's still undoubtedly a boy.
Going to HAVE to come up with a boy name sometime soon.
Not feeling good at all. Incipient UTI, so I'm power-drinking water to keep me going. Backache. Still not sleeping.
But the baby seems okay, so I am happy.
In moving news, this weekend is our "That is IT, it's all going into a box" packing spree. Dishes, toys, DVDs, everything. Only the absolute essentials will be left out of boxes, so I expect a very busy and stressful weekend. I promised the kids that we'd have a nice dinner out on Sunday night if they worked like good little slave children the rest of the weekend. Ireland would do anything to go eat at Chili's, so I expect I can actually get his room cleaned out. And maybe the truck, too!
Beyond that, I am so looking forwards to being home in my own home. We've decided that, given the state of the economy and the dismal prospects for food prices this year, we're going to actually buy a tiller and put in a proper garden for the first time in several years. The feds are cutting off water to California and Arizona's farmers, US farmers planted 40% less this year than last, and the economy looks like it's staying in the toilet? Yeah, I want to make sure I have some food on hand. When tomatoes go back up to $4 a pound, I will be happy I did.
We're also going to store a little food in our upstairs gameroom closet, just in case. If we did have a bout of unemployment or something, I'd feel a lot better with a couple hundred pounds of rice set aside. My kids are Texans by way of China, it seems-- we go through five to ten pounds of rice most weeks. I figure I'll buy things in bulk when they go on sale . . . canned soups and pastas, flour, sugar, veggies, water, beans . . . the usual stuff. Will it help if there's a total financial meltdown? Not much . . . but it would sure help in a short-term emergency.
Maybe it's my own version of nesting behavior. We already have 90% of the baby clothes and gear that we need. We've already got a nice newly painted nursery waiting. All we need now is . . . stockpiles of food. Hey, makes sense to me.
But, then, I won't let hubby sell our ancient travel trailer just in case we need emergency housing. He humors me in this, mostly because it's paid for and it costs only $35 a month to store it. He's learned, after this many pregnancies-- you don't say no to the pregnant woman when she's engaging in irrational nesting behaviors. Not if you want to ever sleep again.
Anyway. So tired, but it's Friday night and the kids will be bouncing home from school at any minute, rejoicing that they only have 5 days left in this school district. We're going to get vegetarian pizzas and watch the Netflix that we've had sitting around the house for the past two weeks. And SOMEONE is going to clean the front bathroom, because the cat has tracked kitty litter all through it and I can't even walk in.
Godbless.
Going to HAVE to come up with a boy name sometime soon.
Not feeling good at all. Incipient UTI, so I'm power-drinking water to keep me going. Backache. Still not sleeping.
But the baby seems okay, so I am happy.
In moving news, this weekend is our "That is IT, it's all going into a box" packing spree. Dishes, toys, DVDs, everything. Only the absolute essentials will be left out of boxes, so I expect a very busy and stressful weekend. I promised the kids that we'd have a nice dinner out on Sunday night if they worked like good little slave children the rest of the weekend. Ireland would do anything to go eat at Chili's, so I expect I can actually get his room cleaned out. And maybe the truck, too!
Beyond that, I am so looking forwards to being home in my own home. We've decided that, given the state of the economy and the dismal prospects for food prices this year, we're going to actually buy a tiller and put in a proper garden for the first time in several years. The feds are cutting off water to California and Arizona's farmers, US farmers planted 40% less this year than last, and the economy looks like it's staying in the toilet? Yeah, I want to make sure I have some food on hand. When tomatoes go back up to $4 a pound, I will be happy I did.
We're also going to store a little food in our upstairs gameroom closet, just in case. If we did have a bout of unemployment or something, I'd feel a lot better with a couple hundred pounds of rice set aside. My kids are Texans by way of China, it seems-- we go through five to ten pounds of rice most weeks. I figure I'll buy things in bulk when they go on sale . . . canned soups and pastas, flour, sugar, veggies, water, beans . . . the usual stuff. Will it help if there's a total financial meltdown? Not much . . . but it would sure help in a short-term emergency.
Maybe it's my own version of nesting behavior. We already have 90% of the baby clothes and gear that we need. We've already got a nice newly painted nursery waiting. All we need now is . . . stockpiles of food. Hey, makes sense to me.
But, then, I won't let hubby sell our ancient travel trailer just in case we need emergency housing. He humors me in this, mostly because it's paid for and it costs only $35 a month to store it. He's learned, after this many pregnancies-- you don't say no to the pregnant woman when she's engaging in irrational nesting behaviors. Not if you want to ever sleep again.
Anyway. So tired, but it's Friday night and the kids will be bouncing home from school at any minute, rejoicing that they only have 5 days left in this school district. We're going to get vegetarian pizzas and watch the Netflix that we've had sitting around the house for the past two weeks. And SOMEONE is going to clean the front bathroom, because the cat has tracked kitty litter all through it and I can't even walk in.
Godbless.
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